Today’s response is to a dear reader’s question about struggles with body image!
Reader: Sometimes I feel like I have made improvements when it comes to body image but then I will see a picture of myself and I’m filled with disbelief and disgust with how I look. This makes me feel like I have made zero progress in accepting myself and further sends me spiraling wanting to go back to my old days of food restriction. Does this mean I haven’t moved forward? What else can I do to feel better?
Response:
Dear friend,
I feel you and you are not alone. We all have bad body image days. Sometimes these moments last beyond days and we find ourselves in a mucky groove that feels downright dreadful for longer periods of time. We turn everywhere for solutions, and sometimes we reach for external solutions to fix a feeling we no longer want. Body image is tough because it’s an inside job to heal. Let’s explore that a little more.
Many folks often feel if they just lost some amount of weight it would solve their problems, including body image concerns; however, most folks coming to therapy to work on body image have a similar story they share of once previously having lived in a smaller body than their current body’s size. In those days, many report they were wrapped up in disordered eating or an eating disorder. Many people also report with dismay that back in those days when they looked at pictures of themselves they hated that version of themselves, too. Regardless of size, there’s something internal happening which is fogging the lens of how we see ourselves, appreciate ourselves, and how we value the relationship we have to our bodies. When working towards mending our relationship to our bodies, we must get curious about why we feel the way we do. Oftentimes when folks start exploring this they begin to understand the root causes of dissatisfaction which can lead us to some valuable places towards healing.
Although I can’t answer your question regarding whether your relationship with your body has changed over time or not, I can offer an observation based on what you have offered and how your question is written. Additionally, I can offer some lived experiences and steps forward that may help on your journey from here on out.
First, I want to lend you the comfort that body image work is often that - a journey. As we know, most paths in life are winding, full of ups and downs, curly q’s, the depths of hell among the heavens. We move two steps forward, five steps back, and it can feel like a dizzying tango which leaves us losing sight of who we are, where we have been, and where we might be in some greater timeline or sense of being.
I’ve noticed that in your question you said poor body image days make you feel like retreating to the old days of food restriction although you didn’t give the information as to whether or not you have. You also mentioned that sometimes you feel like there have been improvements to your relationship with your body. With these two small bits of information, I might offer some hope that you are doing the hard work of relating to your body differently by continuing to nourish it instead of punishing it. Perhaps even if you begin to restrict, you’re able to lean into the discomfort and continue to feed yourself. And in this very hard, very human work, you are sometimes caught off guard by negative feelings about your body because the norm might be starting to shift a little. It’s possible that you’re starting to feel more body neutrality or acceptance, but still struggle with feelings of shame and self-judgment when you experience moments or days with severe dissatisfaction with how you feel about your body. Breathe. This is normal.
Something I remind all my clients of, and myself, is that we are all human. It seems like such a simple reminder, but it’s the heart of the rest of my message for you today.
Being a human is so much more expansive and nuanced than what we look like. If you have a therapist or even have some time to journal and self-explore, it might be helpful to explore what your values are. Values often help us remember who we are, what gives us a sense of meaning and purpose in life, and better understand what we believe and why. You might discover more about your beliefs, which allows you to stay grounded in who you are even when something external, like a picture of yourself or someone talking about their new diet, starts to make you doubt yourself.
One of my values is authenticity and that often means showing up to my relationships, and to life in general, with a sense ofvulnerability and humanity. I’m a therapist who works with body image and disordered eating and eating disorders. I have this all figured out, always love how my changing body looks, and never feel swayed by our cultural ills. Right?? Oh man, just writing that sentence put a knot in my stomach. Wrong! Ideal with this just like you do. How? Why?
Well, we are all swimming in the same sea of cultural messaging suggesting that our changing bodies are wrong. Forehead wrinkles need Botox and fat needs “melted”. Before and after pictures seep into suggested Instagram reels despite never clicking a “like” button to sway the algorithm this way for me. I work hard to cultivate an online atmosphere that is nourishing for my brain and body, but the culture is so inundated with shrinking that the material finds me, too, and I try to scroll by quickly or hide this suggested material. Sometimes it’s easy to dismiss, but sometimes a series of these cultural messages add up and before I know it, I’m feeling off center.
Recently, I had some crummy feelings after a similar experience to yours. How did I find my way out of it?
I let myself feel what I was feeling and got curious about the emotional experience in my body. My cheeks felt flush like when I would get in trouble on accident in school as a little kid (hello, shame). My belly felt the same warmth and heaviness, my heart felt like it was being pulled downward (hello grief). I felt like I needed space from these feelings and one of my favorite places to turn to for space and contemplations is outside. So, I took myself outside.
I didn’t tell myself that what I was feeling was wrong. Ijust felt sad. “I’ll take myself and these feelings for a stroll,” I thought. It didn’t take long before I realized the duck pool needed scrubbing and the water replenished. I lifted the pool to drain it and picked up the big brush to scour away the algae which somehow blooms magnificently over the course of a day. Around me were grateful quacking ducks. Curious hens sipped from fresh bowls of water. I looked over and saw that a hen we have in hospice care waseying me, seemingly with me, and my heart softened. I brought her a fresh bowl of water and saw to her continued comfort. I heard my sheep Sunny hollering for me with his deep-toned voice and wondered if it was time for a water refresh there as well. I dumped yet another water bucket and began to scour it as well.
My arms jiggled as I scrubbed the bucket. This seemed more pronounced maybe due to what I had been feeling. I let my arms move.
I was suddenly flooded with so many feelings and remindersas I moved through moments of discomfort. The biggest feeling was that of liveliness.
These big arms folded over gallons of water to nourish and sustain life on our farm. A duck’s grateful beak does not become less grateful for an arm that moves with the earth, it’s simply grateful for the water. A hen’s curious and knowing eye doesn’t discern and doll out worth because a larger body bowed to feed her. My strong legs and arms and body are the vehicles allowing me to care for everyone on this farm. My body is what allows me to see to life while I am alive. “Mobility is always in transition itself,” I think, remembering chronic pain and illness that is currently at bay.
This leads me to my current moment where I realize and remind myself that I don’t want to be among the waking dead. There’s so much more to life! My values are not aligned with frittering away in some fantasy where I might accept myself more if I was in a smaller body. I reminded myself that our fat phobic culture makes living in a larger body harder by sometimes making access to clothing, quality medical care, and equitable treatment harder, but my worth doesn’t lie in the failings of systems or cultures.
My worth lies in the robust beauty of my connections with others, my ability and heart to care for living animals and people, caring for the earth, and being in a spirited sense of connection with it all. My aging face and body tell the tale of all the children I have cared for and the depths of grief I have swam in that transformed my thirties. The body is a story. I’m not interested in erasing any chapters to make it seem like life hasn’t settled into my bones as deeply as it has.
When all the buckets and pools were washed, I tucked the dying hen safe into the coop for the night with all the others. I told them all goodnight and to rest well. I checked in with my body as I moved back towards the house and I no longer felt these exaggerated sensations of not belonging in my body - in fact, I felt more connected to my body and my mind.
I didn’t completely heal the feelings I was struggling with, but I got space with them and from them. And in this work, that can be the most reasonable expectation sometimes. It’s understandable that we want to never experience distressing emotions and sensations again, but in this life, we’re going to. It would do us well to learn new ways of working with and through distress as it greets us rather than wishing it away. Improving body image involves slowly, slowly, slowly working through intense moments of distress and (re)defining our values, remembering who we are, and continuing to try. Eventually, our efforts do add up, and we begin to transform the greater relationship we have to ourselves.
I lend you my humanity here in story form because what I felt could not be “healed” in one night, and I know your pain and history cannot be healed quickly either. But what I walked away with was so much more gentleness towards myself, to all creatures; and the felt kinship of what we move through on a daily basis is enough as we set out simply to live, work, play, relate with others, reach towards dreams and goals, and more. We need not take unhealthy social norms and let them define our own value at the end of theday. We can come back to ourselves as a practice.
I hope that sharing a glimpse of what practicing acceptance can look like is helpful to you as you learn to continue to come back to yourself, your heart home, and your body home over and over again.
All the love to you!
